Learning to Live

I’ve spent a good deal of my life as a human “doing.” I’ve defined myself by my occupation and have internally rewarded myself on my judgment of my accomplishments. In the last few years I have come to realize that this is no way to live.

Learning to live in the moment, to be present, awake and aware to the things happening around me, as my son Benjamin says, IRL: “in real life.” I think that this may be one of the things that Jesus is referring to when he says: “I have come that they may have life, and life more abundant.”

Stepping into an eternal way of thinking may help me to slow down, take things a little easier and to learn to not bite off more than I can chew. I am refining my ability to say “no.” I am learning to pencil in some space in my calendar and to not make every day some kind of rocket launch.

This is not easy for a person who has constructed a personality like mine. I pride myself on my ability to work hard. Ah, wait a minute, perhaps that is the problem. Pride. If I acknowledge that there is a God in heaven. That he has a “will” that might be done on earth as it is in heaven. If I see that I have a part to play in that “will,” even as I fumble around like the proverbial “blind squirrel” looking for my acorns in the dark, I can glimpse a certain kind of peace.

“Be still and know that I am God.” This sounds like a good adage to live by. It’s the being still that is the hard part for me. I get adrenalized pretty easily. When the fight or flight impulse is on me, it is pretty hard to “be still.” And “trying” to be still is counterproductive and frustrating for it is rest and peace that my soul seeks.

I have rituals that I have developed to help me. I start the day praying the “Our Father.” I sometimes walk around outside at the Ranch where I live. I think about all of the loved ones and friends who are struggling with trials, temptations and troubles. And I look to the center of my soul. Sometimes it helps.

Peace to you and yours today.

What me, worry?

“How long will it take?” This is one of the questions that I am asked frequently in my day job as a lawyer. This is kind of like asking your doctor, “How long have I got, Doc?” The truthful answer to these questions is “I don’t know.” Lawsuits and life each has its own time frame, which is out of our control.

I hate it when the professionals (like myself) say, “You have a 50-50 chance…” Really? How about a 10-20-40-8-22 chance? You see there are way more than one alternative outcome to any situation. You might survive the head-on collision on the freeway but be in a coma for 15 years. You might be struck by lightning or be shocked in the bathtub.  According to the beliefs of many, one of the wisest and richest men who ever lived struck a surrendered pose in Ecclesiastes 3. “There is a time to be born, a time to die, a time to sow and a time to reap, a time to be born and a time to die…”

A classic song goes, “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait, Love don’t come easy now, it’s a game of give and take…” Why are we in such a hurry to get through our lives, both the trials, tribulations and triumphs. We need to slow down, we move too fast, we have to make the morning last, right? Paul Simon had it right I think. Or the country poet Mac Davis, “You’ve got to stop and smell the roses.”

It’s trying to figure out what is going to happen and when it is going to happen that finds so many of us in that stressful state of mind, worry. Jesus said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow…” Paul said, “Don’t be anxious about anything…” Think of all the billions of dollars that would be saved on anti-anxiety medications if the followers of Jesus could learn to live the Jesus way.

Ah well, that’s what I’m thinking about in the early morning hours this Saturday…

My good friend, Tim

I’m learning how to grieve. It’s a process. It’s not linear: first, denial; second, anger; third, you get the idea. There’s a lot of jumping back and forth on the scale. If I tried to do it all at once, I think the sadness would overwhelm me. So, I take it in doses that I can handle.

This morning I took a little ride and spent some time with one of my favorite singers, Tim McGraw. I drive, I sip a drink, the window is rolled down and I listen to the music. And then a phrase from one of the songs hits me. I cry. Country music is especially good for this for me. The songs are full of love lost, and regret and pretty often, Jesus. I pray, especially in the morning. My favorite is the Lord’s Prayer: “Thy will be done.” I cry and I surrender to reality. People I love have gone on to be with the Lord. I miss them. I remember.

Sometimes I think about the mistakes I have made, the things I have left unsaid, the people I have hurt. Then I give all of that pain to God. Usually peace eventually begins to rest on me. And I move on. I find it’s best when I’m alone. Just me and the Holy Spirit, who is always there to comfort me.

I pray today, that you will learn early, to grieve. I am mourning, but I am comforted. I am mourning, but I am beginning to feel my feet tap to the beat of a new song. A song of gladness and joy. It’s nearby, very close, just around the next corner.

I have resigned as Superman

It is kind of sad when you wake up to a truth about yourself that is embarrassing. It’s too long an explanation, but because of my parent and childhood issues I am a rescuer. Early in my career as a lawyer I discovered this and nearly quit. Clients would come to me with problems and little money and the next thing I knew, their problems were my problems.

Now being a rescuer is not all bad. People and organizations need rescuing. But sometimes the drowning man simply wants to drown. Sometimes the failing organization simply wants to fail. It annoys people when you save them against their will. Usually after engaging in some sort of act of this kind, the thanks I get is…well, it is worse than no thanks at all. In the last several weeks this drive to save the world against its will has taken a heavy toll on ME, let alone the rest of those I am so busy saving.

So there it is, I am going to leave the saving up to the only one who can save. Instead of insisting on applying my expertise to a situation I am going to lean back and relax. All of you people out their yelling fire, call an actual fireman!

Homeless in LA

It’s a long story but somehow I ended up homeless in LA the other night at about 1 a.m. I had just finished breakfast at the Original Pantry, the legendary LA eatery that claims that it has not closed since 1924! I nearly face-planted a couple of times in my eggs. I was really tired. I was operating on about three hours of sleep and a meeting with a new friend had really put me through my paces.

So there I was. Five hundred dollars in my pocket, seventy miles from home and no place to lay me head. I had been accosted by a couple of pan-handling homeless guys on my way to the restaurant and was already $40.00 lighter for the experience. I wasn’t unhappy, just homeless. I didn’t relish spending the next few hours in my car in an open parking lot.

So here is where it got crazy. I started walking. My idea? There will be a room at the Westin Bonaventure, surely! About half an hour later I found out how wrong I was. The E3 gaming convention was in town and there was no room at the Inn. By this time lobby couches were looking enticing. However I had been given some online hope that a couple of other downtown hotels might have a room. So off I went. The denizens of the night were beginning to pull out their refrigerator boxes and arrange there sleeping bags and shopping carts.

It was a mild evening, about 69 degrees, pleasant enough for a homeless guy in shorts walking the streets of downtown LA desperate for a place to lay my head for a few hours. On I trudged. I began to fall asleep as I was walking. Quiet places on the sidewalk began to seem enticing. Two more hotel clerks, two more turn downs (I even asked to use a lobby couch, “That area is closed now, sir”) and I was back at my starting point.

“Your back again,” the security guy said as I walked to the front of the Original Pantry. “I just need a place to lay buy head for a couple of hours,” I replied. He pointed me to a nice bench, “But you don’t have a blanket.” For a minute I actually considered lying down on a bench in downtown LA with $500 cash in my pocket, just to get a couple of hours of sleep.

There was nothing to it. I had to soldier on. I got in my car, started the engine and staring through the tunnel of my sleep-deprived vision, I hit the freeway.

Following Jesus

If you know me, then you know that I am not much of a follower in any area of my life. I had a conversation with a young man last year in which he was going on and on about ranks, and authority, and submission, all allegedly important understandings of how the Kingdom of God works. He was proud of his credentials as a Bible teacher, but frankly, I had never read such a thing in the important parts of the Book that count.

However, to humor him I said something like, “Okay, I don’t agree that there are ranks in the Kingdom, but if there are ‘I’m a general,’ what rank are you?” You see, if I don’t have a sarcastic sense of humor, I hardly have any sense of humor at all. I guess I once again flunked the “speaking the truth IN LOVE” test, because he was stunned into silence.

So suffice it to say, being an arrogant, self-confident (also frequently self-righteous) know-it-all doesn’t make for much of a follower. Yet, I keep praying this dangerous prayer, “Thy will be done.” This prayer is dangerous because it means I have suspended my need for everything to work out all right, in MY opinion. You see, when it comes to God’s will there is only one opinion that counts, His. Wrestling with angels is not my idea of fun. However, if you are a conniving son of a gun like Jacob, you might not have any alternative but to wrestle and wrestle with all of your strength.

You see, sometimes the wrestling is God’s will! And so I wrestle on. Trying to understand. Trying to ease the pain of loneliness and hurt with the search for an antidote to the human condition. I must bear witness: Jesus Christ, and Him crucified is the antidote. A foolish answer to serious problems. Yet, He is the only answer.

As for me, if he says go, then I am going! If he says wait, I’m going to be very hard to move. If we are in a boat and He says, step out on the water, then out of my way, I’m going over the side! When things are good, I’ll say yes. When things are bad, I’ll say yes. When life has become a string of the same-old, same old, I will say yes. Yes to Jesus, Yes to pain, Yes to suffering and Yes to trials and temptations.

I have a good reason. He saw my condition and took pity on me and provided me a way out of my mess. So I will also say Yes to life, and life more abundant. And to peace, joy, love, kindness and all the rest of those things that are completely absent in me but only dwell within my soul because of the work of the Spirit. And so, I say, once again, “Here I am, Lord Jesus. Take me, spend me, use me, all to your glory and honor.” Amen.

Getting Free of Religion

In the early 90s for a couple of years I was an unpaid “Executive Pastor” of a denominational church. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not really a great committee member. I just find the whole process frustrating. I think I am a pretty good team player as long as everyone knows that I own the team!
My management style is directive. My favorite response to an idea or initiative I have conceived? Yes Sir!

You can imagine then how frustrated I was meeting with the paid pastoral staff of the church week after week as we were attempting to retool and relocate the congregation. None of the paid staff, except for the senior pastor, wanted to retool or move. They would rather die than change, and they would rather talk than work. As I spent hours every week attempting to move them, I imagined my blood pressure going higher and higher.

At the same time I was reading a book about paradigm shifts. You know, the kind that happen when a new technology surpasses an older technology. Electric lights surpass gas and oil lamps. Horseless carriages surpass horse-drawn carriages. The internet surpasses the broadcast networks. You get the idea, right?

As I drove away from one of the staff meetings, fuming and nearly foaming at the mouth, I heard a whisper from the Holy Spirit. “It’s okay, Charlie, the time of the paid staff pastor is coming to an end.” This idea was somehow comforting to me (He is the Comforter after all ). Of course, it takes time for new ways of doing things to rise above the old ways. This is the way it is with the “normal” way of doing church. But I am getting a glimpse of a “new” way and what I am seeing makes me very happy. I am praying that I get to see the great awakening that will come from it.

In one of those mind-numbing staff meetings one of the pastors said to me, “Charlie, you are just an iconoclast!” He didn’t mean it as a compliment and I didn’t really know what he meant. So I had to go look it up:

i·con·o·clast? ?
[ahy-kon-uh-klast]–noun
1. a breaker or destroyer of images, especially those set up for religious veneration.
2.        a person who attacks cherished beliefs, traditional institutions, etc., as being based on error or superstition.

Okay, he had me. That’s what I have been doing my entire adult life, starting in high school and continuing to this day. I am always asking the Dr. Phil question, “How’s that working for you!” I am also approaching the mission of the church with the Cable Guy mantra, “Git ‘r done.” I have a fundamental assumption, we have to change what we are doing if we are going to get different results. And different results are what we need to fulfill the mission of Jesus.

Early morning at the Lancaster Denny's

I have an important appearance in family law court this morning. Lancaster, CA is about 95 miles from my home in Rancho Belago, CA (the 92555 zip code of Moreno Valley, CA near Riverside). In the morning it seems to take about two hours to get here. At 2 a.m. it’s only about an hour and 20 minutes.

I know that is not an explanation for leaving the house at 2 a.m. for an appearance at 8.30 a.m. Let’s just say that I have a hard time sleeping in the early morning hours these days. It helps my writing rhythm but hurts my mid and late afternoons. A daily nap is required, for sure.

There is a child’s welfare at stake this morning. Protection is the watchword. It’s my job today. I know I can’t do it on my own. I need the empowerment beyond my own strength. And so I am praying, with understanding and in the Spirit. I have already begun to experience the presence of God. It’s no Benny Hinn meeting but it’s real and in my workplace. Today I will be an advocate for a mom and a little girl. I’m glad the Boss is on my side in this one.

I cried last night…

I cried last night. A close and dear friend and mentor of mine was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. The picture of health, my friend was scheduled right away for surgery. That was about two weeks ago, and he came through the surgery and is recovering according to plan. However, the report is not a good one, Stage 4 colon cancer.

My medical professional wife looked up the explanation on the internet and as she read, I cried. My friend said, “I am finished with my profession. Now it’s time to focus on my family, my children.” I have reached that stage of life where my friends are stricken with disease and I can’t help thinking, that could be me. So I cried, for my friend and for myself. The ability to cry is a blessing. It cleanses the eyes and washes the soul.

A couple of months ago when I heard that another friend had passed away in the night an involuntary sob escaped, but I wasn’t well enough to cry.

My friend is assured in his faith in God, as I am. He is at peace with that part of his life. And so, I am praying. For my friend, that his spiritual self will increase as his flesh battles the disease. And I pray that he will have many more years to pursue the ministry that God has given him, to help others. He’s done it for years in his profession, I pray he can do it for many more years as his vocation.

And I pray for my wife’s parents. Her mom with a diagnosis of cancer while her husband (my wife’s dad) is recovering from open heart surgery. My wife is praying that her dad would recover from the surgery and have some quality of life, at least for a little while.

And so I cry, even as I write these words. So much hurting and loss. We fear death, yet we face death. Better to love life and face death unafraid with the sure knowledge that to be with the Lord is a surpassing blessing. A few years ago I played Tim McGraw’s great anthem, “Live Like You Were Dying” on a seemingly endless loop. This is a truth we will all face sooner and later, we are all dying. Recent movies, like Matt Damon’s Hereafter and Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson’s Bucket List focus a spotlight on the basic human need to understand where we fit and where we are headed from here.

I have friends who have died and lived to tell of it, and others who have raised people from the dead. With the easter season upon us, we have to know, there is no resurrection without death. The apostle Paul said: “I die daily.” I think he was saying, I’m dying a little ever day so that Christ can live a little more in me each day. And so I cry, but through the sorrow and the hurt, the joy is just around the corner. Because of Jesus’ death I have the hope of a resurrected life and the promise of an eternal kind of life starting right now. That is good news, even if heard between the sobs.

It's been a great couple of days…

It’s been a wild ride the last couple of days in Central Coast California. There have been tough moments. It is hard to “speak the truth in love.” Sometimes the truth hurts. Clarifying vision differences and relationships can be difficult. However, my experience has shown me that clear communication, while difficult, is always better in the long run. The hurt is momentary.

On the other hand, there have been moments when the wind and whisper of the Spirit have been so evident that it has been overwhelming, but in a comforting and beautiful way. Walking and living in the freedom of the Spirit is scary and fun! I recommend it to all